Well we are trying to get life back to normal after loosing our pregnancy a few weeks ago. Absolutely gutted. We are trying to work through it all and process and give ourselves time to grieve. Its been a pretty tough road not only the last 8 weeks but the last 9 years has seen us on a journey that has certainly tested us along the way.
I found i was initially angry now the past week has seen that turn to tears. I out of the blue on and off will burst into tears normally over something so minor. Paytn is having problems processing death and where has the baby gone if its not in my tummy anymore. She is a bright kid but i still think its all a bit past the realm of understanding of a 4 yr old. She is been very compassionate and if im sad will just cuddle me and rub my tummy and says " i hope you will feel better tomorrow mummy i love you" She is very sweet.
We have some wine barrels so will cut one in 1/2 and are going to get a tree to plant in one with Paytn's placenta that is still in the freezer. Our last embryo was conceived at the same time as Paytn so thought it nice to plant a tree to remember our loss with her placenta.
Now where are trying to process what to do next, my friend will donate eggs again but its a $$ issue and we would need at least $12,000 which is just not a option at the moment. We are going to finish our landscaping and put the house on the market and rebuild with Grants work. By doing this we can knock heaps of our mortgage and give ourselves some breathing space and possibly do more IVF next year.
Adoption is always a option but i still have that drive to be pregnant again, so will give ourselves the rest of the year to work through all that has happened.
I have been playing with the idea for a few years now to write a book about our journey to share with others but it seems a huge task and will probably just stay a dream. I have been writing eco friendly ideas, recipes and budget meals etc revamping all my recipes when i get time which is great is getting me organized. So this is keeping me busy along with work.
Im really feeling the need to get back to basics and feel grounded. I have so many things i would love to do but just not the hours in the day. I really want to work on my own kids clothing range which i started doing a few years ago and have some great ideas for some gorgeous boutique type kids stuff, write my own book, redevelope the skincare range i bought a few years back to make. So many things im really passionate about doing but not the money or the time and cant pick just one thing to do haha.
Hopefully the next 6 months will start working out and i will find my way again.
