Back to reality

Well we are trying to get life back to normal after loosing our pregnancy a few weeks ago. Absolutely gutted. We are trying to work through it all and process and give ourselves time to grieve. Its been a pretty tough road not only the last 8 weeks but the last 9 years has seen us on a journey that has certainly tested us along the way.

I found i was initially angry now the past week has seen that turn to tears. I out of the blue on and off will burst into tears normally over something so minor. Paytn is having problems processing death and where has the baby gone if its not in my tummy anymore. She is a bright kid but i still think its all a bit past the realm of understanding of a 4 yr old. She is been very compassionate and if im sad will just cuddle me and rub my tummy and says " i hope you will feel better tomorrow mummy i love you" She is very sweet.

We have some wine barrels so will cut one in 1/2 and are going to get a tree to plant in one with Paytn's placenta that is still in the freezer. Our last embryo was conceived at the same time as Paytn so thought it nice to plant a tree to remember our loss with her placenta.

Now where are trying to process what to do next, my friend will donate eggs again but its a $$ issue and we would need at least $12,000 which is just not a option at the moment. We are going to finish our landscaping and put the house on the market and rebuild with Grants work. By doing this we can knock heaps of our mortgage and give ourselves some breathing space and possibly do more IVF next year.

Adoption is always a option but i still have that drive to be pregnant again, so will give ourselves the rest of the year to work through all that has happened.

I have been playing with the idea for a few years now to write a book about our journey to share with others but it seems a huge task and will probably just stay a dream. I have been writing eco friendly ideas, recipes and budget meals etc revamping all my recipes when i get time which is great is getting me organized. So this is keeping me busy along with work.

Im really feeling the need to get back to basics and feel grounded. I have so many things i would love to do but just not the hours in the day. I really want to work on my own kids clothing range which i started doing a few years ago and have some great ideas for some gorgeous boutique type kids stuff, write my own book, redevelope the skincare range i bought a few years back to make. So many things im really passionate about doing but not the money or the time and cant pick just one thing to do haha.

Hopefully the next 6 months will start working out and i will find my way again.

Another rough week

Well we are still none the wiser of what is going on with me. Mondays test showed my results had risen from the 80s to 224 over the weekend so doubling. I ended up with alot of pain Monday night in my cervix so Grant rushed me to hospital and i ended up on morphine for the pain and hours of tests. I had internals, swabs, ultrasounds and still no answers. I have to say i was so happy with how they treated me and done everything they could to check i didnt have a etopic pregnancy. I had a horrid night in hospital overnight with only 40 mins sleep so i was exhausted when i got home last night. So gld to crawl into my bed and get a good nights sleep.

Feeling very confused and distressed today. Yesterday the hospital dr was saying my bloods were going up as they are meant to now and not to worry to much they didnt right at the start and to continue to have the fertility clinic monitor me and hopefully my hcg levels would be high enough to see the pregnancy on a scan in a week to 2 weeks time. I rung the clinic for more pogesterone pessaries and they told me that this would be the last lot they send me as they dont want to sound negative but its just no point continueing.

I have cramping again today and still bleeding lots i just dont know what to do. I have no answers and seems very little support from the professionals and feel they just want to put me in the to hard basket and wipe there hands of me. Im trying to remain positive but im emotionally and physically beat and just dont know how much longer i can keep going trying to keep my chin up.

On top of all this stress i have the stress of keeping the business going and just dont think i can, it has all had a huge financial impact on us. I have had the shop open very little and only when i have friends that can open it for me so just dont have the money coming in but still the overheads. Im thinking its getting to the point i need to call it a day with the shop and cut my losses. Which is gutting wrenching as i think given another 6 months the shop would do really well but at the moment i just dont have the local support needed to keep the shop turning over.

So all round a pretty shit week which is leaving me wondering what on earth to do next.

More waiting

Been a while since i updated since our news the other week. Well since then its been quite a roller coaster ride. We were told there is no way i will keep this pregnancy after my hcg come back at only 20 well this is what has happened since then. Monday after my results we had another pregnancy test  it come back hcg 35 so much to the clinics shock it was continueing to go up. But should have been sitting at 80 so yet again still not giving me any hope. Wed bloods come back at 46 and bugger me Fridays come back in the 80s so almost doubled which is what it should be doing every 2nd day.

Tuesday i thought it was all over my mum come over as i was bleeding lots and my husband come home as well i was a mess thinking we had miscarried so imagine my suprise when they rung me to tell me my hcg was still going up. Friday morning this week i went for another blood test even tho i was moderately bleeding i come home and crawled into bed and cried for hours i was heart broken. Imagine my shock early afternoon when they rung to say my levels had almost doubled into the 80s.

Today i spent till 11 in bed as have had heavy bleeding today im now curled up on the couch. I have another blood test on Monday to see if my levels are still going up. Im trying to remain optimistic even with my heavy bleeding and will see what Monday brings. If my hcg has gone up i will be going in for a early scan this week to see if they can see anything. They are worried about a etopic pregnancy so want to monitor me closely.

Mentally and physically im exhausted but i have to find the energy to keep positive and keep going. The business has taken a huge knock and im not to sure where to from here with the shop or if i can even keep it going. I havent been able to work much at all in the shop or online and sales are way way down and sadly havent had anyone to help as much as i normally would just a friend or customer here and there. I may need to look at dropping a few days a week and just opening 4 days for a while and see if i can keep it running on those hours but i think i am going to have to just cut my losses and walk away which is pretty tough after putting so much into it.

I really expected that if i were to get pregnant to just have a bit of morning sickness like i did first time round so hadnt counted on been out of action like i am at all. Im just hoping this week coming will give us some clarity either way on my pregnancy im just exhausted emotionally going from yes im pregnant to no im miscarrying on a daily basis its just crazy.

Well i will update next week when we have more news:)

Devastated

Well we were expecting our pregnancy results today but last night we were dealt a horrible blow. The clinic rung me a day earlier than i expected so i wasnt quite ready to deal with it all but dont think i would ever be anyway. We were told that we are pregnant but sadly my levels arent high enough for the pregnancy to continue. They said its only in extremely rare cases that results like this will change. So now im walking around feeling pregnant and know im pregnant and know its not going to last.

I so wish it had just been negative. I cant understand why life can be so so cruel. It feels like we are on this speed train we cant get off and the only way off is when it derails. And once off i will be carrying scars i will never recover from. My husband is holding out hope but after 9 years im kinda out of it. Im finally feeling very exhausted and defeated.

Then to top it of im told its a very high chance because of my levels it could be etopic. Im really not looking forward to the next few weeks. I have a expo on Sunday which i have to do ive bought in extra stock and if i dont sell it im screwed. My darling husband is going to drive over with Paytn for the day just to be my support and help me set up and pack up. And just be there incase he needs to rush me home to the hospital. Im lucky i have my friend helping me as well.

Paytn has just been absolutely gorgeous she wanted me to sleep in her room last night so the angel sprinkles she sees can sprinkle on my tummy and make the baby live. She is a very spiritual wee girl and often sees things we cant. So hard to explain to her what is happening, we told her that its not strong enough to live and her answer was "well you get it out of your tummy and i will hold it and make it feel better". So cute.

Well i have to get myself together for a few hours to go to the shop just hope i dont burst into tears then heading to my parents. My mum has booked me in for neurolink they said probably not much they can do but it cant help.

3 days to go!!

Well we are almost at the end of our 2 week wait to find out if we are pregnant i have a blood test Thursday and results Friday. This the cruelest part the waiting. Im trying to be positive and in the past i have always started bleeding by now but this is the first transfer ive done on these meds so im not sure if that will affect it or not. I have to admit i gave in and done a pregnancy test today which come up negative so im feeling a bit down. Im feeling very pregnant so hoping it was just to early for a urine test.

We went to my parents on Saturday and i ended up carsick which i only ever done that when i was pregnant with Paytn and sick again on the trip home Monday. I really want to be excited and hopefully but that realistic part of my brain keeps stomping out each bit of glimmer i have as i know as soon as i let myself really believe i might be pregnant something bad will happen and it will all be over:(

Im glad i have a expo on this weekend, im trying to rest as much as i can but also keep myself super busy so i cant think about Friday. I dont think i will even answer the phone call from the clinic on Friday until ive shut the shop and come home. Just dont think i could take bad news if customers are in the shop.

I have so much to get done today but are exhuasted so going to see if i can convince Paytn into a laydown but i dont think she will stay in bed long. She has a new game guess who so im refusing to play that with her until she has a nap lol.

Ive put a bread dough in the window to rise a new recipe mum gave me to try and you can keep it in the fridge for a few weeks and just bring out the dough as you need to make a loaf i will post the recipe once ive given it a go.

Waiting waiting waiting.

So i was going to start blogging our journey to ivf from the start but as it happens in im the midst of it again so thought i would do a quick write now of where im at before i forget. We had 1 embryo left to use and finally saved enough funds to use it. I have been on meds the last 3ish weeks and went on Friday 27 and had our embryo transferred.

It has been a pretty stressful few weeks and last week i just felt ill with it all, waiting for the clinic to ring and tell me if it had thawed out successfully was just horrid and of all days it was on Paytns birthday. So the poor girl hasnt even had a birthday party yet, daycare gave her a small one for me which was great. We headed to Christchurch Thurs afo and info the clinic 8am Fri morning for the transfer. Not a experience i wish to go through again. The transfers are always painful and this one was exceptionally painful.

The dr could see my endometriosis all around my cervix and it took a bit of trying to get my cervix into the right place to insert the tube to put the embryo in. Had to do alot of deep breathing and had a few tears. Thank goodness Paytn was with us so i had to really concentrate on not swearing!! Im so glad its all done now the hard part has started the waiting. I have to say this is the most horrid part for me. In the past it has always been difficult but im really feeling the pressure of this been our last chance to have another baby. So i have been very emotional, i dont seem to bad during the day but nights are the worst i just end up in tears.

Im trying to remain positive but trying to be realistic as well so its not as far to fall if it fails. My cycle would normally be due about now so im starting to get cramping and pain and the feeling its on the way, then i have a few hours where i feel very pregnant. Its just so cruel not knowing i will just have to keep waiting until end of next week and hope my cycle doesnt start in the meantime. Im not to sure how im going to deal with it all if i arent pregnant. I will have to brace myself for all the "well at least you have Paytn" or "well you can just adopt" comments. Yes im so so lucky to have our girl but why on earth would anyone think that would make me feel better???

I cant switch that maternal drive off to have another pregnancy it just cant be done i know ive tried lol. Ive had to deal with not been able to have a biological baby of my own (which is a long story i will post soon about) so im kinda feeling im entitled to have another baby via a pregnancy.

On a funny note, I have to insert pogesterone pesseries 3 times a day. Paytn come in to the bathroom this morning while i was doing this she looked at me very puzzled and said 'mum why are you putting vitamins in your fanny' pmsl it was the funniest thing. I explained they were pesseries to help the embryo grow. We get to daycare and she said to her teacher 'my mum put things in her fanny this morning what were they mum? you know those vitamin things' then the teacher got a lesson on what they do haha.

Well i shall keep a update on how the dreaded 2 week wait goes. One week almost down yay.

Welcome

Welcome to my new journey. This is part of a healing journey for me to finally write down my journey through infertility, ivf, egg donor, postnatal depression and a number of other aspects of my life that have got me to where i am now. It has been a extremely difficult and emotional road and one i feel now i can share. While this is a personal journey i hope that it will help other women/couples that maybe going through similiar experiences. Or may give some a insight into what their friends or family maybe going through. I often get asked lots of questions about what it is or was like so here it is raw and unedited. Its not all depressing we have also had alot of fun with it all along the way.

Im sure i am bound to offend some if i do then its simple just dont read any further:) I have spent far to long worrying about upsetting others by what i might say or do. At the end of the day its about me trying to find some peace and make some sense of the shit hand i was dealt and ways i have learnt to deal with it.

Amongst my ramblings i will share with you all various things we have/are doing to try and lead a more ecofriendly chemical free life. I look forward to sharing what i have found so far along the way.

I hope you enjoy the ride:)