Devastated

Well we were expecting our pregnancy results today but last night we were dealt a horrible blow. The clinic rung me a day earlier than i expected so i wasnt quite ready to deal with it all but dont think i would ever be anyway. We were told that we are pregnant but sadly my levels arent high enough for the pregnancy to continue. They said its only in extremely rare cases that results like this will change. So now im walking around feeling pregnant and know im pregnant and know its not going to last.

I so wish it had just been negative. I cant understand why life can be so so cruel. It feels like we are on this speed train we cant get off and the only way off is when it derails. And once off i will be carrying scars i will never recover from. My husband is holding out hope but after 9 years im kinda out of it. Im finally feeling very exhausted and defeated.

Then to top it of im told its a very high chance because of my levels it could be etopic. Im really not looking forward to the next few weeks. I have a expo on Sunday which i have to do ive bought in extra stock and if i dont sell it im screwed. My darling husband is going to drive over with Paytn for the day just to be my support and help me set up and pack up. And just be there incase he needs to rush me home to the hospital. Im lucky i have my friend helping me as well.

Paytn has just been absolutely gorgeous she wanted me to sleep in her room last night so the angel sprinkles she sees can sprinkle on my tummy and make the baby live. She is a very spiritual wee girl and often sees things we cant. So hard to explain to her what is happening, we told her that its not strong enough to live and her answer was "well you get it out of your tummy and i will hold it and make it feel better". So cute.

Well i have to get myself together for a few hours to go to the shop just hope i dont burst into tears then heading to my parents. My mum has booked me in for neurolink they said probably not much they can do but it cant help.