Stages of Grief 2nd is Depression

This seem to be the next on my list of grief, i started just randomly crying to the point i couldnt breathe and hyperventalating. There was some days i just couldnt got to work or had to go into work looking just horrid. My depression seemed to be around no more babies. It was made harder by people telling me well at least you have Paytn you need to do what keeps you around the longest. Yes yes i know people, i know how lucky i am to have my gorgeous daughter and i know i need to do what gives me the best odds but......... it does not instantly switch of that maternal drive that yearning to carry another baby. I have found i have had to grieve this loss and i think i will always grieve in a way for what sadly is not part of my journey to carry another baby.

I suffered badly with postnatal depression after having my daughter but this depression seemed to be different, i still got up each day even though i didnt feel like it, i still wanted to go to work most days or perhaps it was a matter of i had to been self employed, i still wanted to be a mum hard not to when i have a 4.5 year old bouncing around so full of life. But i just wanted to put it all in the to hard basket. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in 6 months time when it is all over i just didnt want to have to deal with it. I have endured so much already throughout my life it seems hard to find the energy some days.

I still have the odd day but its more exhausted or stress and i think this is what is making me feel flat. I guess my depression was really quite short lived which is great. I guess what put it in perspective for me was one afternoon my daughter come to me very upset. When i asked her what is wrong she looked and me and said " why cant you just be happy with me mum"? "i will always be your baby, why do you need to have another one" It was at that moment when i saw the hurt and confusion on her face that my crying about what i couldnt have was doing to her.

I still hurt terribly and i cant actually imagine this pain passing i hope that it will and i will find a way but for now ive managed to get myself out of that downward spiral of depression i felt i was on to what i guess is a numb phase. I have told myself that is ok to have a down day here and there and no one can be happy and bubbly 24/7.